Saving the Nuclear Family with ONE Extraordinary Marriage with Tony DiLorenzo

We sat down with Tony DeLorenzo, co-founder of One Extraordinary Marriage and co-host of the top marriage podcast, to discuss the critical importance of intimacy, love, and commitment in relationships. Tony shares his journey from a struggling marriage to creating a thriving community that helps couples prioritize their relationships. 

We explore the Six Pillars of Intimacy, the impact of social media on marriage, and the necessity of communication and integrity in building strong partnerships. Tune in for valuable insights that could transform your relationship!

 

Chapters:

(03:14) One Extraordinary Marriage Show emerged from a rough spot in our marriage.

(06:20) The nuclear family is under threat across the Western world, Tony says

(10:58) social media has promoted the breakdown of marriage at a higher rate, experts say

(14:01) we’ve lost the art of communication in marriage

(20:02) we’ve lost having integrity and staying within integrity

(24:36) Two biggest issues that people say affect marriages are financial troubles & sexual intimacy

(28:12) Financial issues can be one of the top reasons why a couple will divorce

(34:35) Since the 1960s, there has been a marked decrease in the nuclear family

 

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Tony DeLorenzo Bio:

Cosmos

 Welcome back to the show, my fellow extraordinary Americans. Today’s guest is Tony DeLoreanzo. 

Tony is a podcaster, speaker, author, and co-founder of One Extraordinary Marriage. As co-host of the top marriage podcast and Apple podcast, the One Extraordinary Mad Show, Tony DiLorenzo and his wife, Alyssa, speak to a worldwide audience about intimacy, love, and commitment and challenge every listener to prioritize their relationship. 

The best-selling book, The Six Pillars of Intimacy, has transformed countless marriages worldwide. The framework is simple, practical, and powerful, and it inspires us to look at marriage through a new lens and be encouraged by its commonsense approach. Tony is an extraordinary American, and I’m glad and honored to have them on the show. Tony, are you there?

Tony 

Yep. I’m excited to be here.

Cosmos

Tony, thank you so much for doing this podcast with me. I appreciate you coming here.

Can you tell me in the audience a little bit more about your background, your story, and how you got started?

Tony 

Yeah. The One Extraordinary Marriage show started on January 13, 2010, almost 15 years ago, well before people knew what a podcast was. Before that and during that period, I was also in a service-based business, and my beautiful wife Elise and I had two children. Ah, at that time, they were six and three. They’re now 21 and 18. 

So, the years have gone by as we shared our story and our marriage with couples worldwide. 

Over the years, over those 15 years, we’ve self-published 11 books, spoken on many stages, and continue to do that to this day.

Cosmos

So, Tony, there’s a continuation.

What is your vision? I know you’ve been an entrepreneur for more than 20 years, so can you walk the audience through how you did your business and how it led to the one extraordinary show together? What was the strategic vision for your career?

Tony

 So, there was no strategic vision. So we’ll, we’ll start right there.

Cosmos

 Okay.

Tony 

So, there was no strategic vision. It came out of a place where our marriage was in a rough spot. And so a couple of years before we even started the One Extraordinary Marriage Show, Elise and I were at this crossroads in our marriage. We’d been married for 11 years; truthfully, it wasn’t great. We were roommates at the time. We were dysfunctional. We had cracks, what we would call cracks in our pillars. And we were sitting at this place going, all right, either a and this, at this point, our children were five and two. 

So, at this point, I think both Elise and I knew because of the dysfunction and where we were in our marriage. Eleven years in, it was like either A, we’re going to hang out and wait till our youngest, who was 2 years old at the time, turns 18 and gets a divorce when she turns 18 and is done with high school, B, get a divorce right now or get radical. And at that moment in time, Elise and I decided to get radical. And we took on a 60-day sex challenge. And it’s not only about the sex; we took on a 60-day sex challenge. And out of that, we completed 40 out of 60 days. That is what transformed us and our marriage. 

And then, we were asked to speak at our church’s marriage getaway, the year, the prior year, or the next year. While speaking and just sharing about this, we had no intention of doing anything more. Let me just share that with you in the community here. It wasn’t our intention. It was like, our marriage is good. Like, we are on a different track and loving it. However, as we finished speaking, we were brought up with many tough questions, but most of the people there saw hope; there was encouragement that something could change.

And so a number of them, as we stepped off the stage, were like, so what’s next? What are you doing? How are you going to do this? How are you going to continue to speak into marriages? And we’re like, no, we’re good. And it wasn’t until a year after that that we got into blogging, and then a few months after blogging, and didn’t like it just because of where we were and weren’t writers then. We learned about podcasting, and that’s when we stepped in. 

Truthfully, it was just a hobby for us. It was a way for us to encourage and bring hope to other couples. I had my other business, and Elisa was a stay-at-home mom. And for many years, that’s how we ran one extraordinary marriage. We wrote books, we did different things, but it was all about, like, this is a hobby. This is just something we’re going to do just to bless others.

Cosmos

Tony, I want to let you know that what you’re doing might have started as a hobby, but this is actually what could potentially save Western civilization because, you know, the nuclear family—I don’t know if our listeners know this—is right now under threat, not just in America but in all Western countries. 

And there’s a statistic that says six out of a thousand men right now are getting married these days. There’s some level of dysfunction that’s going on in our society as a whole where there is not enough idea of, like, how a man and woman should be behaving, like, in a marriage for the long term, because we live in, like, an instant gratification society. So, from your perspective, how do you see society’s view on marriage today versus what it used to be like a hundred years before?

Tony 

Geez. Even in the 15 years we’ve been in this, I’ve seen a change.

Cosmos

 I mean, I was just.

Tony 

Yeah, in 15 years. It’s interesting because I’ve seen that change in that period. And we desire to continue to speak into marriages. And have them get healthy. Because of the breakdown of the nuclear family, I do believe society begins to break down. There’s something very important about having this core that you grow up in. And I’m not saying all of them are perfect and great. I’m not saying that at all. 

And yet, if we can help married couples see the importance of it, not just for themselves, that’s. That’s a big benefit. And yet, what does it do for your children? What does it do in your community? What does it do for society as a whole? When we see marriages step up in our strength and are excited and joyful for it, we have seen ripples and the impact it has had. It. We desire to continue to reach more couples to encourage them to get healthy and strengthen their six pillars of intimacy, which is our bestselling book and what we talk about in our framework so that we can have a huge impact on society.

Cosmos

This is very important stuff because, ultimately, like what? As you mentioned, and I think we mentioned earlier, the nuclear family is the structural foundation of any society. And if the nuclear family is broken, then you don’t have a society. I mean, ultimately, you know, like, let’s just be. Let’s just be brutally honest here. If you. You have all these politicians, and you have all Republicans, Democrats, they all talk about the issues. Of the nation and everything, but this is the hidden issue that nobody talks about, nobody gives a… 

This is where a nation will either make it or break it. It is in the nuclear family. It starts on the family level. And right now, we have major dysfunction on a national level across the entire Western world. It’s a pandemic of biblical proportions, I would say, to be honest.

Tony

The divorce rates are higher. We’ve seen a trend towards what’s called the gray divorce. So more people are doing it. Elise and I were contemplating that we’d hang out for the benefit of our children, and yet once they’re out of the house, we’d get a divorce, which still caused massive ripple effects. By the way, people think my children are adults now. They’ll be able to handle it. No, there’s still a breakdown in that nuclear family which you’re talking about.

And so we have to encourage couples to go, okay, what’s going on? And how do we help? You have extremely. It was an extraordinary marriage. Like, what’s going on? And many times, Elisa and I just helped couples to see, like, okay, maybe I didn’t have the best upbringing. Maybe I came from a divorced family. Maybe I had. There was physical abuse. Maybe I had a father or a mother who had alcoholism. Maybe, you know, I was sexually abused or had sexual trauma. I got it. And yet you’ve married this individual, this person. And so, how do we get you healthy, individually? Then, together, you have a healthy, strong, and extraordinary marriage.

Cosmos

So, Tony, one of the things I came personally from, like, an outside. Like, I. I was an immigrant. I came out from an outside culture where it was more of, like, a patriarchal state. I came to America, and there’s more of, like, the feminist culture on the one hand, and then there’s the Christian patriarchal society on the other. There are, like, two different Americas that we see simultaneously.

But one of the things I noticed is that social media, I mean, I wanted to. I want to get your opinion on this matter, but social media has promoted the breakdown of marriage at a higher rate. Because here’s the thing. In ancient times, even 100 or 50 years ago, some people used to hang out in groups and didn’t hang out with many other people. 

But now, men and women, especially women, have many options. You can just go to social media and have a hundred men, for instance, just like your pictures, and be like, hey, you want to go out on a date? You have the dating apps. You have only fans. You got the whole Nine. Man, you have thousands and thousands of options. Why would I, and let’s say if I was a girl, why would I just stick with one man for the rest of my life when I got all these attractive guys like all these chads just waiting to give me the pleasure of my life or something?

Tony 

True intimacy is closeness and connection; we all long for and desire true closeness and connection. You can have as many one-night stands, quick dating relationships, and hookups as possible. I mean, couples have affairs all the time. There’s infidelity all the time because we think we want something else. 

And I will say, after being married 28 years, going through a lot in my marriage, that when we can have true closeness and connection with that one person, something gets unlocked in us that we from a heart place and our soul that we desire so much that you cannot get from a one night stand or somebody like liking your photo. It may have a dopamine hit on social media, but that won’t last you. Somebody who’s by your side when you’re 50, 60, 70, 80 years old. That’s what I think most of us long for. 

Unfortunately, social media and I would agree with you, has made it feel very transactional, not life or marriage. It’s not transactional and makes it look like everybody else is having a better time than I am. Elise and I have had to combat that and share with people like that’s somebody’s highlight reel.

Even if you look at our social media, we tell the people in the one family, which we call our communities, the one family. You see our posts, and we’re on a date night and stuff, but that’s our highlight reel. You didn’t know, like the day before that we got in an argument and had to work through some tough, you know, discussions to get to this point where we, we’re at a restaurant or downtown or whatever and took this awesome picture of us hugging and kissing one another. 

So, to me, social media is wonderful. But it’s our highlight reel. And if that’s how you want to live, I don’t think you will ever fully have that closeness and connection that we each desire.

Cosmos

Tony, from your perspective, what is the biggest lesson or insight you understood regarding relationships, dating, and marriage altogether during your time on this show? Like, the big. The one biggest insight you would want to share with the audience.

Tony 

But ego aside, remember you’re on the same team too often in a relationship. I know many guys. I’ve. I’ve mentored many amazing men in their dating stage, getting engaged, and then getting married. But I tell them a lot of times, like, hey, sometimes you have to put your ego aside, and you have to remember that when you say, I do, the two shall become one. 

And in that, we now become on the same team. And how will we work together against the problems facing us and not look at each other as the problem? And I think that unlocks a lot of people to be like, we can do this together. Yes. And sometimes, it’s just helping them reframe it. And. And I love sports analogies. 

So I always tell people, “Look at our son playing football.” He was on the D line, and he knew the guys to the left and the right of him and the guys behind him. They were all together on the same team, working together to do one thing: stop the ball from advancing. The defensive lineman was especially skilled at sacking that quarterback or getting a loss, a tackle for loss. 

It’s the same thing in a marriage. I’m not going after the quarterback. The quarterback is the problem. My spouse is on my left side, and we’re shoulder to shoulder and going after that problem or the quarterback.

Cosmos

 I mean, yeah, that’s true. Like, you have to think of yourself as a team. But here’s one thing I’ve noticed, Tony. Like somebody who came, I became a natural assistant. But, like, when you observe it from outside, like, you know, when you. Fishers are in the water; they don’t know they’re in the water. 

But if somebody goes outside, they see that there’s a great divide between men and women in today’s world. It’s almost like the men hate the women. There’s misogyny, and then there’s misandry on both sides. And it’s almost like they’re not on. They’re not.

They forgot that they were meant to be together and complement each other. It’s almost like a football team. You have two sides, and all of them.

Tony

That, and they’re going against each other.

Cosmos

It’s on a national level. I just found it. Really? I was just like, holy. Like. But that is the. What you’re saying is right; you must be a team, like complement each other. But that’s not what most people see on a national scale.  But I don’t know. What’s yours? What’s your opinion?

Tony 

Yeah. And again, technology has changed the way we communicate. So, if we look at it from a core level, I think the biggest thing when you look at all of this is how we communicate with one another. 

And so a lot of us see things on social media, on the news, and we’re reacting to it, and we’re internalizing it and not necessarily talking to those of the opposite sex. And that may even be your. Maybe your spouse. You’re seeing things, and then you’re just firing off text messages. 

And we’ve lost the art of communication in marriage, relationships, and sometimes our own. In our country, just in our neighborhoods, just being able to listen to people and respond with dignity, having these conversations that we allow to meander instead of putting ourselves in a place and going like, this is it.

This is who I am, and I will never listen to you. And that happens in marriages as well. And so emotional intimacy is very important, but we’ve lost it through technology because we think we’re speaking to somebody through a text message when we’re not, like you and I, having a conversation right now. This is communication. This is us getting to know one another, talking to one another, hearing other sides, and going, all right, cool. I can agree with you, I can disagree with you, but I will be. I will be here, and you will as well. 

And go, all right, cool. Unfortunately, when we have screens in our faces and look down at them, it’s the illusion we’re having a conversation when we’re not.

And so if we can help people, again, it’s in marriage to put those phones aside, to talk to your spouse to hear what’s happening. And then being able to share that and you being able to listen, many things begin to open up. And again, the heart to the. The head. The head to the heart. It’s not just this head thing anymore. It’s like, oh, I understand what they’re going through. 

When I met my wife in 1994, we had conversations. I took her out; I took her for drives. We had these conversations. I remember taking her to Chautauqua Park in Boulder, Colorado. We just sat on a rock and talked. And it’s still happening. But unfortunately, too often, the first motive and the first engagement is all via text or, as you said, like these different apps, dating apps, and what have you, which I think creates this interesting dynamic that I’m fortunate. I’m glad I didn’t have to, and I’m not at this point in my life not going to deal with it. So I try to get people off their phones, off their apps, off of technology, and engage one another.

Cosmos

Tony. I mean, I’m going to be honest with you. I’m going to speak for a lot of men and women out there. Right. So many men and women out there will have the fear, you know, that this is happening when I talk with friends and when I talk to different people over some time. So their fear is with dating apps and social media; if they fight with their spouse or a guy or a girl in their relationship, they will take vengeance by using dating apps and then cheating on them.

So, I’m going to be brutally honest with you, Tony. In today’s world, in the 21st century, it’s so easy if there’s no trust in communication and even a hint of immorality like there’s a fight and you’re angry.

Your husband and you had a big fight. You’re like, all right, you know what, I’m going to teach my husband a lesson. Let me go to the dating ads. Oh man, Look, I’m getting 100 likes. I’m getting all this validation and attention, and the guy wants to teach the spouse a lesson. He goes and gets, gets a girl or something like that. I’m just trying to tell you it’s so easy right now. And it’s because of social media and dating apps and everything like that. I mean, I’m just saying that this conversation must be had to save Western civilization. Politicians, we cannot dissolve this all. As individuals, we have to take it into our own hands.

Tony 

Yep. And I think it’s getting it out of our hands, saying no, and integrity matters. Cosmos to me. And so we’ve lost that a bit. And people just want to fire off whenever something happens. 

And so I think that has much to do with the individual, the character of who you are. And it’s going to show, unfortunately, that some people get hurt because of it. And that’s unfortunate. But I think we’ve lost having integrity and staying within integrity.

And so even, I mean, I would never do this, just personally like Elise. Ah. And I can get in a fight, which we do. I mean, we’ve been married for 28 years. There’s still life happening. We’ve been married for that amount of time. We’ve been running one extraordinary marriage for 15 years. So we work side by side most days. But having integrity matters. And so I would never blast my wife on that. 

And so I think if that’s something that you have done, then you need to check yourself, and you need to get some help to deal with your anger issues and what’s going on inside of you. And so that’s nothing your spouse can do for you, but that’s what you need to do with yourself because there’s something deeper going on that needs to be addressed.

And so we need to look at that stuff. And I think people need to be called out on that as well. And hopefully, it’s done in love by somebody who knows you and can speak into your life. And I’m not talking about people on Instagram, Facebook, or any of these other places, but you have actual men and women in your corner who see you doing that and go, guess what, man, that’s not cool. Like, you need to. You need to figure out what’s going on in your life. That’s something that needs to happen. And I don’t know how old you are. I’m 51, so my generation differs slightly from the younger generation.

But I have a 21-year-old son, and I’ve been telling him that since he could probably remember. I said, “Alex, you only need to remember one thing.” It doesn’t matter if you have all the money in the world or lose it all, but your integrity matters. That will allow you to do many things that you probably will. You probably don’t even realize it now. And I’ve told them that for a long, long time.

Cosmos

Tony, you’re right. Integrity does matter. Moral morals and ethics are very important, especially in interpersonal relationships, because without them, the family, the community, and the nation will break down. 

So it starts small, right? But what we do has a ripple effect on the largest scale. But one of the things that I realized that affects men and women today is that they’re looking at celebrities, politicians, and powerful people, and they’re having affairs all the time. And they’re like, you know what? These powerful people, they’re doing it. So, they take an example from that and apply it to their lives. But right now, we are worshiping these celebrities as gods. 

They follow everything that celebrities do like. You know, keeping it up with the Kardashians or Jersey Shore and all that stuff. And what happens over there is the exact opposite of what you teach in One Extraordinary Marriage. But I just want to put this conversation out there.

Tony 

Yeah. And we’ve said many times, like, turn that crap off. It’s. It’s a bunch of. It’s not real. And I think we need to continue to. To share that.

So, in the book The Six Pillars of Intimacy, Elisa mentions sexual intimacy, in particular, Cosmos. Because I. We find a lot of people will be like, well, you know, my sex life isn’t like this. Or it’s not like, set up all nice, and it’s not always romantic, and there’s not always candles out in this, that and the other, and blah, blah, blah, and just goes on and on. 

And we sort of have to burst the bubble. Okay, you know that sex scene you saw in the movie that lasted about 30 seconds? There’s something like 197 to, let’s just say, 200 people on set. You have two actors; you have a director. You got the lights that are going to make it perfect lighting. You have somebody setting up all the candles, flowers, and this and that. It’s fake. It’s funny. Say that.

Cosmos

It’s so true.

Tony 

Like, people, it’s fake. I know you think that’s what your marriage should be. I know you think your husband should just whisk you off like there’s no tomorrow like there’s some. But we live in the real world. And if we live in the real world, guess what? Sometimes it gets a little messy. Sometimes it’s not perfect. Sometimes kids cry. Okay, I’m going to have to get that child to bed and get them to be quiet and sleep long enough so that way I can be sexually intimate with my wife. You know what I mean? That’s the real world. 

And so I think what we have done over the last 15 years with the One Extraordinary Marriage show is come behind our microphones every week and be open, honest, and transparent with people, so hopefully, they begin to hear it. And I know they have because we have so many amazing couples in one family whose lives and marriages have been transformed. After all, they start to realize, no, we need to turn off that crap because it’s not, it’s not helping us any. It’s deteriorating the joy that we do have. And so we come against it, man. I’m not scared to come against it, but I can’t do it for you.

I can show you the path, but it’s up to you to make the changes. We always say that you have to be intentional and take action. So, if you want change to happen, you must be intentional. Not me. If I want an extraordinary marriage, I must be intentional in my marriage with Elisa. But I’m not here to hold your hand to ensure you do what you must. No, you got to stand up; you got to go and decide and make the determination. Like, am I going to do this?

You can say yes, no, or maybe, but I will get behind my microphone, encourage you, and bring hope, and Elisa will do the same every week. And yet, you still need to make the determination. And we had to do that in our marriage to get it to where it is today.

Cosmos

Tony, you and your wife are inspirational and motivational because this is the spirit we need. And if this can ripple out, we can ultimately save Western culture because otherwise, I mean, look at what’s happening, you know, so. Still, I wanted to ask you as a continuation of this from, you know, like, the two biggest issues that people say affect marriages are financial troubles and sexual intimacy.

So, from your perspective, what challenges do you notice people face, and how could they overcome them?

Tony 

Yeah, finances are a big one. It’s typically, depending on where they put it, one or two, you know, on why a couple will get divorced. Right.

Cosmos

Yeah.

Tony 

and so one is, I think a lot of it has become like financial secrecy. We have easy access to credit, and it’s not uncommon to see many people, men and women, husbands and wives, use retail therapy to fill a hole that they have and then keep those purchases secret.

So, Alisa and I are at one point in our marriage; early on, we were 50,000 in debt. We came across Dave Ramsey and put the debt snowball into practice. And we got out of our 50,000 debt, sold some stuff, and ate rice and beans. We did what we had to do. But again, are you willing to do that now? From an income perspective, right?

There’s one side of it. You have expenses. There’s an income perspective. Today, unlike any other time in history, you can make money for a short period with no attachment to the company whatsoever. When we were doing this, you would have to get a job. Like, I’d have to go to an interview, find another job, work another job. Now you can just be like, I’m gonna start rolling for Uber or Lyft or Grubhub or something and make a couple extra 100 bucks a week to pay down my debt. You can do it between your jobs. Yes. Are you gonna have to hustle a little bit? 

Okay, well, there have been many years that I had to do multiple jobs just to make sure we were doing what we needed to do. But today, it’s easier than ever. 

So that’s the income side of things. But I’ve seen that people have grown lazier in our society. And I will say there are times that that has happened as well. It’s like, well, why do I need to work? Like, that’s a lot. That’s hard.

And so we become lazy. And so we have financial issues in our marriage, but we’re not willing to address them for a short period. So that’s the financial side of things, I think. And again, we live in an amazing time. And being an entrepreneur, dude, I will say this. We have been in places with our businesses at times, ups and downs. And I’ve been looking around, I’m like, crap, if I have to, I’ll drive. Like, I’ll. I’ll deliver Grubhub, or I’ll. I’ll find some. Some. I’ll find something that doesn’t necessarily take me away from what I need to do but would allow me to bring in extra cash if needed. So, I’ve looked at that myself over the years on the sexual intimacy side of things. That’s a whole nother deal.

Cosmos

I mean, there’s a. There’s a lot of stats that a lot of marriages that survive are in their sexless marriages, and it’s dead from within.

Tony 

Yeah. And so what we have done over the years, listening to the one family, we have expanded the definition of sexual intimacy to not only be sexual intercourse, but it includes romance, the initiating, the foreplay, and sexual intercourse.

So it’s not only like, did we have sex or not, because there are couples who, for health reasons or many other reasons, are unable to have intercourse, but they can have foreplay. And so, can we help them strengthen that pillar and see that this is still a way for them to have closeness and connection now? I mean, there’s so many. 

we can go down the road of, was there sexual trauma in your child? Were you abused? Were you raped? You know, male, female? This goes on both sides. Have you addressed these issues in your marriage? If there’s been a wedge created between the two of you, why is that? What’s going on? Was it a mindset because of how you grew up in a Christian home, a Latter Day Saints home, or any other religious home? 

Because a lot of homes that were. Or. I’m not going to say it all, but a lot, especially during the period, was like, don’t have sex, don’t have sex, don’t have sex, don’t have sex. And then. And that was for both men and women. And even if they were having it, there’s still shame and guilt before marriage. But then, all of a sudden, they get married. Married. And they’re supposed to, like, just flip the switch. A lot of mindset work still needs to be done there. And even Elisa and I had to do that ourselves. 

And so can we help you to see, like, all right, are you willing to have the conversation? Are you willing to address the past? Are you willing to address your mindset? And then we get into the physical nature of it too, you know, ed—vaginal dryness, you know, on and on and on. Perimenopause, menopause, you know, stress from work, children, finances, all of these things can hinder us as men and women from actually even performing. And for men, I can speak to men, because I am a guy, that stress aging can decrease the ability for you to have an erection, which then a cycle happens. After all, now you can’t get an erection. You’re embarrassed. How do you tell your spouse? And so that can lead into a cycle. But a big part of it is up here when it comes to our sexual intimacy. And for those of you who are listening, I’m. I’m pointing to my head, which would be your brain, Tony, these.

Cosmos

These are very important things to know about. A lot of people today, they’re in these marriages, like where they’re not only having financial troubles, they’re also having a sexist marriage. And then, they’re roommates, you know. So, what is the definition of a marriage these days? You know, people keep changing the definition over some time.

But there’s a question I wanted to ask you, Tony, on a national level. Right. So, since the 1960s, ever since the sexual revolution happened, I’ve noticed that there has been a marked decrease and destruction in the nuclear family since then. And we are in the third generation, the second, third generation of lost boys and lost girls who’ve grown up into adults. Like they’ve grown up in single-mother or single-father households. And it’s become a pandemic, right?

So they have seen their fathers and mothers, like in dysfunctional relationships, and now they’re continuing that, and it’s in perpetuation. And this, and I’m going to be blatantly honest, is the real cause of the destruction of Western civilization. So, from your perspective, how would these lost children who grew up into adults fight back and have a proper functional relationship and a proper functional marriage on a national scale? I’m talking about millions and millions, you know.

Tony

 Yeah. Well, I hope they find our podcast because some years ago, we had a.

Cosmos

16, and I’ll help them.

Tony

Thank you. I appreciate you, man. And, and here, and here’s why, man. Some years ago, we got an email from a 16-year-old. And it sort of took me back to Cosmos. I was like, why is a 16-year-old listening to the One Extraordinary Marriage Show? Like, it’s just like, why, like at that, you know. Well, we’re in our 40s. What, why are you listening? And, she came from a broken home and goes, you know what? I found you guys. And it made me realize that I can change my family. I can be that person. I don’t see it from my mom and dad, but I see it from you guys. 

And I realize I can have a family when I grow up and an extraordinary marriage. But I just needed to turn myself in another direction and find those mentors who I could look up to, who I could listen to, who were going to speak to me straight and show me the ins and outs of what happens in marriage and not this fairy tale is basically what she said. 

And so it hit me to go, wow. 

As an entrepreneur, let me just say this. As an entrepreneur, you’re not in my demographic. Right. Like, that’s not who I’m going out there to reach. And yet, it encouraged me to go. You know what? Being who we are could help those who have come from broken families and don’t have the nuclear family to see us and know that we have their back, and they can do what we’ve done. And so, you know, are our parents perfect? No. My parents were married till the day my dad died seven and a half years ago. Were they perfect parents? No. Did they love each other? Absolutely. Do I have a marriage that’s vastly different from theirs? I do because I was willing to go in and do something different. After all, I didn’t want to perpetuate what they had done. And the same with my beautiful wife, Elisa. 

And so I think those children, those folks, even in their 20s or 30s, who are still single and grew up like that, find those people around you who you begin to listen to, to see and make the change in yourself.

Cosmos

No, I mean, amen. Like, it’s You. You’re right because there are. There’s. We have an entire generation of people going, not just in America, the Western world, but especially in America, since this is an extraordinary American show. Like, we have millions and millions. 

They are growing up, and they’re just seeing mass dysfunction. The parents of the previous generations had been very, like, they had had a lot of narcissistic traits where, like, they chose themselves over the family. Many of these broken homes sprawled throughout America are because one or both parents decided to be very selfish. They did not care about these things that we’re talking about, and they just decided they’re very narcissistic. They only thought about themselves and their needs. They didn’t care about their husband or their wife or their children and just. They just destroyed everything, you know?

Tony 

Yeah. Yeah. Cosmos.

Can I ask you? So, where did you immigrate from?

Cosmos

I was born in India, but I lived outside of India after the age of three. I came to the UK to university at 18.

Tony 

Wow. Okay. Yeah, because it’s really interesting, and I thought that’s where you had immigrated from.

Cosmos

But it’s like, that’s why I can see, because, like, when I was in India, it’s just. Things are just done differently. Like when. Once you’re married, like they have arranged marriages, you’re there with each other for life. Divorce is not an option. You’re either going to work it out, or you’re not. You’re stuck with each other. It’s like one. 

So it’s just a different mentality.

Tony 

But here’s. But here’s the thing I wanted to share, though. Even so, we post on Instagram, for instance, and that goes out everywhere, right? It’s not just here in America. And it’s interesting to see how many couples from around the world, India being one of them; I’ve noticed recently that there has been an increase in folks there even listening to the podcast and grabbing our resources and wanting to. I think they’re. They’re looking at ways to grow in their marriage, and how will they do that? 

And so it’s not just in America but other countries, too. There is this place where couples are going. No, we will do this, but how will we do it so that we’re not just living as roommates, as discussed earlier? We’re not just doing this because we must, but we’re moving forward.

Cosmos

No, totally.

Tony, I wanted to ask you more about your podcast so the audience can learn more. Can you tell me more about the extraordinary One Extraordinary Marriage podcast, the premise of how you started, what it’s about, and all of that?

Tony 

Yeah. So, when we started in 2010, most people didn’t know what a podcast was. I spoke at Podfest this past January, and I had a room, probably a hundred folks, and said, hey if you can, you know, if you can, let me know. How many of you knew what a podcast was 15 years ago? And I think out of the entire room, I had three. 

And so when we started podcasting, we didn’t know if people would hear it. We didn’t know how people were going to hear it. And so, really, we just said we will do this thing. It was more of my initiative. I’m more like, let’s dream, let’s go. I bought all the equipment, and Elisa, like, kept looking at this equipment. It just sort of sat in our. In our hallway for about three months. And then she’s finally like, are we doing something with this? I’m like, yeah, let’s go. And in her mind, she thought we’d do, I don’t know, five, ten episodes, and then we’d be done. And so early on, we didn’t have mentors to guide us. You know what I mean? It’s not like today you can jump on, and there’s a. There’s several, you know, podcast experts who will teach you how to set it all up and, you know, how to release, you know, your first 10 episodes. And. Da, da, da, da. We were like, all right, we’re just going to start talking. 

And so we just started talking, and our episodes were too long initially. But as we got listeners and people began to chime in and share with us, we began to learn, like, this is too long. And, like, let’s cut this down like our folks are. They’re busy. They have full lives. They don’t need to listen to us for an hour and a half. 

We just got into a rhythm over the years and got to a place where we have our own set, like episode, structure, outline, etc. And all of that to this point. But there are years, Cosmos, where we all did the podcast. Our children were growing; my other business was growing.

And, just once a week, we’d find ourselves in. In our garage or, you know, one of our places where we started, we. We podcast in our garage. It’s probably one of the worst places you could podcast. Right? But we’d find ourselves in a garage. We’d find ourselves in one of the rooms in the house, and we just get behind our microphones for 30 minutes and share what was happening. That week for us. Over time, it started to change. The One Family got more involved. Instagram became bigger. Like, our platform followers got bigger. And now we’re at a point where we ask many questions about the One Family, so we want to hear from them. And it’s one of the things that we talked about a lot. It’s like, you know, society as a whole. Like, it’s. It’s this, and we can get studies and read up on studies, but for Elisa and I, it’s really important to know what’s happening within the One family.

So we ask a lot of questions to them, like, hey, are you having sex once a week or twice a week or three times a week? And then we’ll ask questions about why and this. And so we’re getting a pulse on these people in this demographic of folks and can help them to see where they are in that area instead of just some, like, a large study that was done at some university that they don’t know the professor or whoever it was. You know what I’m saying?

And so it’s just been such a joy to do that. And over the years, like all those 15 years, we’ve only had one interview. It’s only Elisa and I, and that interview was way, way, way long ago. And it’s just a fun way to reach people, and you don’t know where they are. But we reach people worldwide, so it’s just awesome, man.

Cosmos

 I recommend that my listeners look at your podcast if they’re in a marriage or a long-term relationship because it could be very beneficial.

And Tony, can you tell? I know you wrote a book called The Six Pillars of Intimacy. Could you briefly tell them more about the book, some pillars, and all that?

Tony 

Yeah. So the six pillars of intimacy, the big part, are the words intimacy there, right? And we wanted to take that word back because society has stolen that word only to mean sex. And that’s not the true definition of intimacy. Intimacy is closeness and connection.

Cosmos

Totally.

Tony 

So we want to bring that word back to mean what it is: I want to be close and connected to you as my spouse. And so in that, we have our emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, which is our nonsexual touch, just holding hands, kissing, that sort of thing. We have financial intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and recreational intimacy, which is our fun, our dates, the recreation, the activities we do, and then sexual intimacy. 

Our work now is geared towards those six pillars and how we speak into each of them to give couples the tools they need for their marriage. Toolbox, basically like all, right, we’re talking about emotional intimacy, and it will look a little different than we discussed before, but how are we doing this, this, and this? Or we may talk about financial intimacy from the standpoint of, as we talked about earlier, it may be debt. You have debt, so how are we addressing it? Or we may be looking at it from another side of it. You’re getting older. 

So, do you have trust? Do you have a will? Do you have Life insurance policies? Are you properly insured? Do you have, you know, 401k retirement? Blah, blah.

So we look at each of those pillars and find different segments—I guess you call them—in each one. And that’s where we’ll go on a specific episode.

Cosmos

Tony, I recommend they check out the book because intimacy is the cornerstone of a long-term relationship or marriage. You know, without that, there’s nothing. You’re just a zombie. Two zombies and roommates and all that stuff. And how can the audience connect with you, Tony, to get more information about you, contact you, and learn more about one extraordinary marriage?

Tony 

The best way to join us is to take our Six Pillars of Intimacy quiz. Like, come in and learn something. Don’t just jump in and say, “All right, where do I go? Take our quiz. And you can do that@1ordinarymarriage.com quiz. And it’ll just help you understand where you are strong in one of these pillars or pillars of intimacy. Because Elise and I are all about using your strengths right now and how we can help you take care of the cracks in the other pillars.

Cosmos

That is awesome, Tony. And Tony, I’m so glad you took the time to do this podcast with us because what you’re doing right now is helping save on a national level. This is the real reason why the Western world and America are falling. They don’t talk about this on a national level, they don’t talk about this in the news channels, and they don’t even talk about social media. 

But this is the foundational crux: our relationship between man and woman. And if you have no nuclear family, you have no civilization, and if you do not address it for both genders, then that’s an issue. So, I’m grateful that you took the time to share this, and I hope you return later.

Tony

 You know, thank you so much, Cosmos. I appreciated it. I love the questions we got to talk about and looking at this not just from a, And I’ve done hundreds and hundreds of interviews, so not only looking at this just from a husband and wife but, you know, going broader and wider. So, thank you so much for the engaging conversation.

Cosmos

I appreciate the conversation with you as well, Tori. 

And I want to conclude this episode by letting my fellow extraordinary Americans know that. Hey, look. There’s an extraordinary within every one of us. We must awaken it and unleash it. Until next time. Bye for now.

Cosmos  

Welcome back to the show, my fellow extraordinary Americans. Today’s guest is Stephen Stepp, the president and owner of Step Ahead Financial Inc. Stephen applies 30 years of financial and retirement planning experience to help individuals and small businesses achieve their financial milestones without taking unnecessary risks or paying high fees. 

He has helped more than 300 families maximize their tax retirement income while protecting their savings. His clients have created plans that will produce more than $86 million when they need it most by using only safe, proven financial strategies. In addition to helping families build wealth and save taxes, Steven also helps them retire comfortably with Estate Planning, 401k IRAs, Roth IRAs, banks-on-yourself plans, and tax-deferred indexed physical gold and silver. He has been seen on Fox, H, ABC, NBC, and CBS. 

He also co-authors the best-selling book The Secrets to Lifetime Financial Security. He’s an extraordinary American, and I’m glad to have him on the show. Stephen, are you there?

Stephan   

I am, and it’s great to be here.

Cosmos  

Thank you, Stephen, for taking the time to do this.

Stephen, can you tell me in the audience a little bit more about yourself, your background, and how you got started?

Stephan   

Yeah, absolutely. I now have 30 years of experience in financial planning and financial coaching. I started as a life insurance agent with Pacific Mutual. About 10 years later, I started my own company for many different reasons, and it has grown ever since. About 20 years ago, I discovered a strategy called Bank on Yourself.

 And I’ve been working primarily with that. It can lead to many other things, but that’s usually how we get started with clients with this concept and strategy called Bank on Yourself. Some call it the infinite banking concept, which has existed for over 50 years. It was first started by Nelson Nash, who wrote the Infinite Banking Concept book. 

But he’s dead now, and most people refer to it as Banking yourself now. So that’s basically how it happened.

Cosmos  

Well, Steve, for the sake of the audience, can you tell the audience a little bit more about the infinite banking concept and bank on yourself and the difference between the two?

Stephan   

Yeah, and by the way, in your whole website and everything, you talk about the abolition of financial slavery, and there are a lot of large financial institutions, including most of the big banks, who want you to be a slave to them. They want you to be financially a slave, So I thought it was perfect to be able to talk to your audience about that, especially if that’s their framework. And there’s a lot of misinformation out there and a lot of misconceived notions about banks and how big banks work. So the short version of Bank on Yourself and everybody’s case will be different, right? Everybody’s goals are different, everybody’s financial position is going to be different. 

So everything that we do is always a custom product for our clients. But Bank On Herself is a strategy that puts you in charge of the banking function. Nelson Nash, Pamela Yellen, and the people who have written extensively about Bank on Yourself always make the point that to the degree that you’re in charge of the banking function, you’ll have a better financial life and a better financial outcome. It requires thinking a bit outside the box and a little differently and not just following the crowd. So, the crowd usually just puts most of their money into their 401k. 

They let it accumulate; they hope it does well. And then it’s in prison until age 59 and a half. At some point between that and age 72, they have to start taking it out. And they hope that it has grown enough to be enough to create a lifetime income. And almost, almost always, it isn’t. And part of the reason is that they’re not in charge. They don’t know what’s going on. They’re just putting 15% of what they earned that year; they’re putting it in their 401; they’re getting their tax deduction and letting it ride until almost until it’s almost too late. 

So, with Bank On Yourself, we’re trying to help people be in charge of the banking and retirement functions, if you will. And you know, the big banks don’t do you any favors, right? They’re the first to loan you money on a credit card at 24 or 30%. Right. Which is financial slavery. If you’re paying a credit card company 30% or even 24%, you are in financial slavery to that degree. So, banking yourself, we teach people how to save in a tax-free way. We use a whole life insurance policy as the primary funding vehicle. And life insurance enjoys a lot of tax-free benefits. It allows you to put money in; it’s already been taxed elsewhere. 

So it’s new savings; it grows without taxes being taken. Out the way we design it. Usually, money can come out completely tax-free at retirement. It has a tax-free death benefit for your heirs and whoever you want to leave money to, or even charities. But most importantly, the biggest part about banking yourself is that this cash value, the money inside this policy, is growing at a guaranteed rate of 4%. And because we use mutual companies, there’s a dividend that starts small and gets larger and larger every year. Over time, this cash value has grown at about 4 to 5%, which may not sound exciting, but it’s there.

And every year it’s higher. And every year, it’s growing. And every year, you’re adding more to it. And the more you can put into it, the faster it’s going to grow, and the larger, the longer you save, the bigger those dividends are going to be in the, and the more it’s going to be accumulating completely tax-free in the policy for retirement. More importantly, while that money grows, it is the collateral for any loan you want. 

So when it’s time to buy a car, put a new roof on the house, or take a vacation, most people will finance that with the bank or credit cards. And again, those banks and credit cards they’re not doing you any favors, right? They’re giving your savings until recently 2 or 3%, right? At the most, even now, maybe 4%. And then they’re loaning it out to other people at 23% or 8% for a house or something like that. So, again, they’re not doing you any favors. 

So in the example that I just gave, when it’s time to buy something that you would otherwise finance or put on a credit card with banking yourself, you take that money, and you borrow it from yourself, you borrow it from your policy and the cash value doesn’t change. The cash value is still the same. The dividend amount is still the same. The tax-free death benefit, which is always rising, is still the same. That’s the collateral for the loan. And you borrow this money out, buy the car, pay for the new roof, or pay for the vacation or whatever it is that you would otherwise be financing. And then, instead of making the payments to somebody else’s bank, you make the same payments that you would have made, but you’re now making those payments back to yourself, and you put those payments back into your policy and plan. And so what’s very typical in the book The Bank and Yourself Revolution is about buying a car for $30,000. Maybe the interest on that was another 5,000 over time. 

And so at the end of that period, the end of five years, you paid out the $ 30,000 for the car plus the, say, 5,000 of interest that went out, and that’s never seen again. That’s out of your system; it’s out of your money. And yes, you still have the five-year-old car. Hopefully, you can drive it for a few more years before repeating that process. And some people do a little better than that by paying cash for the car. But with the bank on Yourself, we’re loaning the money from our policy. Our cash value is still growing at a guaranteed 4%, and it’s still getting the same dividend it would have otherwise. And it’s still supporting this. I’ll call it an overfunded life insurance policy. 

Right. But it’s now doing double duty because it’s now the money you borrowed or the car or whatever it is that you finance, and now you’re paying it back to yourself with the same money you would have had to pay out. That same 35,000 would have gone out to somebody, but now it’s coming back to you, back to your policy. The great thing is that once you have paid a loan back, you will always have the same cash value, dividends, and death benefits that you would have had, even if you had never taken out the loan. 

So you’re truly financing, being the source of your financing. And so the degree that you can save and get the money into the plan first, that’s how that’s the amount you can always borrow 90% of whatever is in the policy. 

And that’s the amount that you have available to finance other things. It puts you or your listeners in charge of the banking function. So, in a nutshell, that’s the bank undersold strategy. But everybody’s scenario in terms of how much they can save or where they can take savings to set up policies is going to be different, and everybody’s goals are different, 

right? What would they use the money for, how much do they think they need, what tax rate, retirement? And the nice thing is that you’ve accumulated all this money, all the savings at retirement time. You’ve used that money several times to finance your Goals, dreams, and wishes. 

And now, at retirement, all that money is completely tax-free. One of the ways that people tend to fund their policy is to take away most of the money they were otherwise putting into traditional retirement plans like 401ks and IRAs and whatnot. And they’re foregoing the tax deduction right now. But they always have to remember that that money isn’t all theirs. If you accumulate even a million dollars in a 401k and then you retire, whatever your tax bracket will be at retirement time, that percentage of your 401k doesn’t belong to you; it belongs to the government. It’s going to have to be paid in taxes. They gave you the tax. 

And that’s another thing that, you know, the government, when they allow you to do an IRA or 401k or anything else that’s tax-deferred, that way, they’re letting you defer the taxes so that you’ll end up paying more taxes. Right? 

Instead of paying taxes on the seed, you’re paying taxes on the whole harvest. And wouldn’t it be better to pay the taxes on the money you’re putting in upfront while you’re earning, while you have it, and not at the back end when trying to make every dollar stretch in retirement? 

And if you saved up, say, a couple hundred thousand and put it in your 401k, and it happily turned into, say, a million dollars at retirement, you’re not going to pay the taxes on a million instead of having paid the taxes on a couple hundred thousand. So, it’s another example of how the government, the big institutions, and the big banks are not leading most people to the most efficient ways of managing their money. 

So, Bank on Yourself goes against many of those myths and preconceptions about how to get ahead, have a safe retirement, and, more importantly, finance things in the future.

Cosmos  

So, I have so many questions to ask Steve because this is a very, very, very important conversation we are having. And one of the things that people are facing, especially when it comes to retirement, is that due to inflation, like our fiat money, like our the US dollar, the same 20 or $100 that could buy some, something in the, like some amount of goods in the grocery store is, can buy even lesser and lesser over some time. 

So in five years, it can even buy less stuff. So right now, many people think they’re saving for retirement, but the same hundred thousand dollars they have saved up, or $200,000, will not buy the same amount of goods and services. So, from your point of view, how can a bank on yourself or any other strategy be a bulwark or a hedge against inflation in this regard?

Stephan   

Yeah, two things. In addition to banking herself, I’m a big believer in buying gold and silver, but not like stocks, ETFs, or actual coins. We also have programs that help people buy gold and silver coins and put them away. They’re not taxed because they don’t even know you have them. Right. And they’re not taxed. They can be given to the next generation. I don’t see it as a future currency, but gold and silver are a great hedge against inflation. So that’s one thing.

 And secondly, everything for most of us is in dollars. Right. And by the way, other countries that will have the same kind of inflation that we have, ah, most governments overspend and over-tax, which inflates everything. But if you’re minimizing your taxes and if you’re minimizing the amount that’s going out to the big banks and if you’re minimizing the amount of interest that you’re paying to the system and if you’re maximizing how much tax-free savings you have available and tax-free income that you’re going to have in the future, that goes a long way to help to close the gap.

So, a combination of those two things. You know, unfortunately, almost everything we do is denominated in dollars. And all the money in a bank-on-yourself plan is dollars, which will come out in dollars. We’re just making it, you know, a lot more efficient in those ways.

Cosmos  

No, I mean totally. The biggest thing I’ve noticed is that many people, as they approach retirement, like by the time they get to their 60s, will have savings, but their savings won’t be sufficient for them to last. Like them, they’ll live for a long time. 

And so what are they going to do when that happens? This has become almost a national problem, especially with Social Security. Did I want your opinion on how Social Security these days is like a c, proper safety net, or is the government overspending even made that risk altogether?

Stephan   

There’s a risk, but it will probably be the last thing Congress would ever vote on now; they’ll probably make little changes. They’ll probably say that you need to work longer or assume that you’re going to live longer and, you know, maybe change the ages so that you can take full amounts of Social Security. Based on that, they may change the amounts they’re planning to pay in the future. 

So they may make some small changes. I don’t think there will ever be a majority of Congress that it would just be political suicide for most of Congress and the Senate to say, hey, you know what? Social Security, we already robbed it, by the way. They did that. It would have worked. But our government is so good at spending that they took all the money in the Social Security system that was supposed to be kept completely separate, and they just commingled it. 

So, it’s a system that would have worked had they done it properly, kept it separate, and not spent it already. But it also is going to be the last thing they undo or remove because, quite frankly, it would be political suicide. And they do have to get reelected. 

Right? That’s their number one goal, is to get reelected. I’m not so worried about, you know, maybe if you’re 20 or 30 or 40 years old, it’s a bigger concern because who knows what will happen over a 20 or 30-year period of time, you know, to it. But most people can count Social Security pretty much how it is. And even if it were to start going bankrupt, I think the government would find ways to support it. 

But that’s another, you know, it brings up another good point: don’t rely on the federal government for your retirement. This is more important to you than to them and most of my good clients. Social Security is like the icing on the cake. It’s the extra money they can spend on travel and trips. 

Most of them have saved, you know, all these traditional areas and with the bank on themselves so that they’re not reliant on just Social Security in their retirement time as well. So that’s all part of the picture, but it’s another example of how you must care for yourself. And it’s not. That’s not a selfish thing to say because the federal government is not thinking about you and your retirement, and the big banks are not thinking about you and your retirement. 

And there’s huge and even a lot of good, well-meaning financial planners who do the traditional things that aren’t thought about, most of our clients love us because we care about each client and their goals and helping them meet them without taking unnecessary risk. And by the way, you don’t have to take many risks now. If you’re 60 and trying to figure out how to retire at 65, you might need to take some risks. And if you haven’t saved up till that point or you have 100,000 in an old 401k and are just now beginning to tackle a problem, you might need to take some risks to hit your goal. But for most people over a lifetime, if they’re in their 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s, they have enough time to do these things without taking risks. 

Right now, the market is near all-time highs, and because Trump just got elected, there’s a lot of euphoria, which will probably drive the market higher. 

But every few years, like since 2008, the market crashes. M. You’re about to go into your retirement, or if you’re in retirement, can you afford and the market’s treating you well, can you afford to all of a sudden be living on 2/3 of what you were planning on or half of what you were planning on? And typically, when the market does crash, it takes another 17 years to get back to where it was. Well, if you’re three years, four years out of retirement, or three or four years into retirement, you may not have 17 years just to return to where you thought you were. 

So again, the more that you can take advantage of other programs and other ways and work with someone like myself to stay ahead of it, I will be working on it as early as you can. And the last thing I’ll say about that, one other thing I’d like to say is that all my good clients are really good savers. No matter what program you use, traditional or not traditional, if you’re, if you’re making a decent income and you’re not putting away 10 to 20% of what you’re making for your retirement, whether it’s banking yourself or even a 401k or anything saving, putting it in the ground, putting it in the bank, you know, you’re, you’re going to get caught behind probably. 

But the more you realize that it’s, the more it’s in your power to do what you can to save 10 or 20%, put it away, and then do the right things with it. You don’t have to be in the market. You don’t have to take unnecessary risks. You don’t have to, you know, go into things that may or may not work. You don’t have to have all those maybes. You can create a plan with a lot more certainty without those things.

Cosmos  

I mean, Steven, you’re right. But we live in this dead-based culture where we are promoted to spend, spend, spend, and not save as a society. We’re not living like banks are; banks are systematized and incentivized to encourage us to spend now and then pay later. 

And like, if we, like most of society, succumbs as such, we get into debt. So, from your perspective, let’s say somebody in their 20s or 30s is listening to this podcast and has a mortgage. They have a bunch of consumer debt; how would you advise such a person to go from there to being financially free and retiring?

Stephan   

And by the way, debt, especially at these higher interest rates, will, you know, be a real detriment, sometimes even a killer for things. So, number one, when it comes to saving and spending, one thing that I’ve kind of learned just for myself is I’ll see something. Oh, that looks great. I’m going to buy it. You know, give yourself like three or four days and think about it and think, do I need, you know, the latest phone? Do I need, you know, a new watch? Do I need the fanciest jeans? Do I need, you know, some of these things that, when we watch TV and talk to friends, and we’re on social media, we get convinced that, you know, oh, I have to have that? 

So to agree that maybe you can control that and take that, the money that you were going to spend on that and either pay off debt or add to your savings, you’re going to be much, much happier, you know, in the long run. 

And if you’re spending on things that depreciate, right, if you buy a new anything, you know, four years later, it’s going to be a, it’s going to depreciate almost completely. Whereas if you’re saving in any of the things that we talked about, if you’re buying gold or silver, if you’re putting money into your bank and yourself plan, even if you’re doing more traditional savings, it’s going to be there and it’s going to be growing. So that’s one thing. 

And it’s hard to do. It’s hard to do in our society. But I think the degree that you can do that and then the second thing is, if you are in debt, if you’re paying 23% or more to on a credit card or something, really get creative and see how can I, how can I get that paid off as quickly as possible and not just pay the minimum or a little bit more than the minimum, you know, on that. I had a conversation this week with a woman who’s 67 years old, and she has $68,000 of SBA and credit card loans. The SBA loans are okay because they’re a lower rate, but a good chunk of that was in a credit card, over 24%, and so was in her. And she’s already 67. So for her to have any chance, the first thing she has to do in one way or another from another, and she has other sources that she has a 401k and all these things.

The smartest thing she can do is find a way to get that $68,000 paid off as quickly as possible. Because there’s nothing out there that will make her, you know, the interest alone is thousands of dollars. There’s nothing in her portfolio that’s going to make her more money than the interest that she’s paying out every year. 

And she’s already 67, let alone 37, like anything else. If you focus on it and think about it, you start to. Maybe I can borrow money from parents or relatives with the understanding that it’s going straight to pay off this debt so that I won’t be in this financial slavery. And correspondingly, if you can, what m. Try to find ways of limiting your spending. 

And by the way, I’m the last person to tell people how to budget. I don’t do budgeting with people. I show them what’s going on. I showed them how they could be helped if they could do this. I’m not a good enough planner, if you will, to force them to be able to save. 

So the degree that they can focus on, on what they need versus what they want and to the degree they can focus on paying off that instead of doing that spending and to the degree that they can focus on, say if they don’t have debt, that they can focus on, savings, you know. However they’re saving, they’ll be that much better off.

Cosmos  

as you were speaking, it just made me realize how enslaved we are as a society because you were talking about going and getting jeans and the car and everything like that. And society tempts you with that, and banks want you to do that. 

And then they give you these, they give you this credit card, and like it just looks enticing. Then you start getting into debt, and the next thing you know, the main thing you said was interest. You have to pay 24 to 30% interest. 

The next thing you know, you’re working until the end of your days, paying off that interest on your mortgage, credit cards, and student loans. 

And then, in the beginning, it’s almost like the devil tempting you, like materialism and consumers. I mean, we’re a very consumer-based society. And the more I think about it, I’m like, yeah, like we’re just completely enslaved, and we, as Americans, we don’t even know how enslaved we are. And we just go about our days. 

That’s why I started exploring America. Because yeah, we talk about ourselves being free, but are we truly free on the financial front, like knowing what you know about the banks, credit cards, mortgages, and all that stuff? I mean, what’s your opinion on that?

Stephan   

I mean. Yeah, exactly. And by the way, these things that we’re talking about with the new jeans or the new car, the new anything, right? It’s going to be temporary, right? When that thing is no longer gone, the new thing gets replaced repeatedly. You know, most people buy cars every three or four years and then buy another one and buy another one. Constantly doing it the traditional way, you know, so all that money is going out to somebody else’s bank instead of coming back into your, you know, own bank. It’s out there, and it’s hard.

You have to think like an individual. You have to think; you have to filter what’s coming on. I don’t do much with social media, but many younger people do. There are a lot of negative aspects to social media because I think, and this is just my opinion, that younger people look at it. They see people doing this, doing it, buying it, acting out this way, and whatever it is. 

And then they think that that’s how it is, that that’s how it is for everybody. Or they look at stars or sports stars or movie stars or rock stars, and they want to emulate, you know that, but they don’t have the kind of money to emulate, you know, those people.

 But they want to try. And they figure if they have that, that they’re the same watch as them or the same genes as them, that, that, that, that they are, but they’re not. And so if you know, with many things in life, not just financial, you have to think about it from an individual standpoint. You have to take the time and the intelligence that you can and apply it to yourself and say, does it make sense? The lady who wrote the book The Bank on Yourself Revolution has a whole chapter.

By the way, I’ll send the book to any of your listeners who want it for free. If they just email or call me, I’ll happily send them a copy of the book. But it does a great job of helping people think about these things individually and not on a mass market basis. And in America, it is hard.

The other thing I want to throw out there is that we consider ourselves in America as if we’re the freest and get to do what we want. And a government that theoretically allows us to do most of what we want. And look how free we are, like the land of the free, home of the brave. And I’m as American as anybody else. I’m as patriotic as the next person. Those are the people who know me. 

But, I traveled some in Europe last year and the year before. And this summer, in particular, I spent three weeks in Italy. And it was not a vacation vacation; it was educational. I was going around learning about many different things, including banking. 

One of the things that struck me is that young people in Europe, especially in Italy, are freer than most young people here in America. 

And that’s something that struck me. And they’re not sitting around on social media. They’re out, and they’re doing. And they’re meeting friends, and they’re going to restaurants, and they’re meeting at bars, and they’re not, they’re not at home on the sofa. They’re not on social media; they’re not watching an inordinate amount of television. They don’t have, you know, 100 channels, you know, to watch and to get soaked into the social media and this rock star mentality. 

And, and they’re freer, they think freer. They are freer. They wear what they want and go where they want to go. Italy is not this old socialistic country that people think of. I was kind of surprised at how capitalistic it has become. And I realized that they were m. They were expressing their freedom. It is far stronger in a much more open, free way than I see here. And I live in LA, right? 

So it’s pretty free and open, here we have sunshine 300 days a year. And people think they’re open and free and doing all this fun stuff on the beach. And it’s true. But I don’t think they’re thinking freely. I don’t think they’re thinking analytically. I don’t think any of them. Are they thinking about what’s best for them or how it will affect them? And the last thing on that note is that I have found that the more you can focus on, the longer time frame you can take, as a viewpoint, the better you are.

 Because, you know, those genes may look appealing today. If you think about the value of the genes of that smartwatch or that phone 20 years from now, you won’t even remember which brand it was, right? It won’t be very sensible. But if you took that same money and put it in gold, it helped you keep up with inflation, or if you put it in the bank on yourself, It helped you finance all the cars that you were ever going to buy and recapture all the money that would have gone out to somebody else’s bank and brought it back into your banking system, if you will, instead, or if you use that money to pay off a credit card at 23%, how much M think about if you were to pay that 23% even for the next 10 years, how much money is going to go out from you? Cash will never be seen again, whereas that was paid off.

How much more can you do? Many times, especially early on in my career, we work with people and say, you know what? You’re not ready to do a bank-yourself plan because you must pay the debt first. There’s nothing so magical about banking on yourself that will overcome paying 23% of debt. 

So what you need to do is both you need to start with a small plan, become a client, and as cash accumulates, use it to pay off that. And then secondly, with most of the money right now or most of the new savings right now, use it to pay off the direct debt directly. Because I don’t have any special plan to make you 23% a year or more. Mine’s more of a safe savings type thing. And most financial planners can’t promise you to make 23% a year either. And they may even have a great track record. But it’s not going to happen year after year after year.

 So pay off that debt first and then do that. I’ve even had clients take two, three, or four years to put a small amount into their banking self-plan. But most of their money and most of their savings and most of the money they can borrow or steal and pay off that debt. And then all that money that they were using to pay off debt, might be thousands of dollars a month, can now be applied to savings the way, you know the, in the type of plan that I’m talking about. 

Because that can, that can be a killer. But people don’t think that way. People. I see people every day who have a hundred thousand in their 401k and $30,000 in debt, and they’re paying 23% on the debt. Well, their 401k is making 23% every year. 

So they’re kind of fooling themselves. Oh, I’m doing great. I’ve got a 401k with $100,000 in it. Yes. And you also have over $30,000 of debt at 23% or 10% or 8% or personal loan, and trust me, I’ve seen it all. Personal loans at 8 to 10%, credit card debt, or whatever it is, and they’re not making enough on their savings to account for that. 

And by the way, there is good debt and bad debt. If I borrow to buy a piece of real estate, that could easily be good debt. I could be paying whatever interest rate I’m paying for that. But that property will likely do better than inflation over time, especially if it’s a decent piece in California or other states. And that’s another way of hedging against, you know, inflation. I believe in real estate and being another hedge, but many people are not there yet. Right. 

They can’t because of all these other influences. They’re not in a position to safely buy a house or invest in real estate if they can. Great. Wonderful. That’s another hedge. 

So all those things combined, and that’s what we do, you know, in my practice, to help people start where they are and then move ahead in the direction that I’ve been describing, Stephen.

Cosmos  

And I’m so appreciative that you are doing this because we need more people like you to help people financially. America is about freedom and the pursuit of happiness. But as you and I both know now, consumerism and materialism will not make you happy in the long term. And they’re just going to end up racking up so much debt. 

So, I want the audience to take a lesson from this and not be into materials with consumers like learning to focus on hobbies that give you more personal happiness and trying happiness from within and internal validation rather than external sources. 

You also use financial strategies to be financially free because if you’re frugal and have a saving mentality and focus on investing gold and silver, back-on-yourself strategies, and even using real estate, you will be financially free. And I would want the audience to take that lesson and get that point across.

Stephan   

Yep. No, absolutely. And again, my other point is to be as free as you think we are. And again, if somebody has the chance to go to Italy in particular, or other places around the world, I think they’d be surprised at how unfree you are and how unfree you are in your thinking and to try to get beyond that. 

And by the way, you know, like for younger people, you know, spend more time, you know, just getting out there. Many things don’t cost a lot of money. Getting together with friends doesn’t have to cost, you know, a lot of money. You know, going for, you know, walks with friends and family doesn’t cost very much. In addition, it’s healthy and outdoors. There’s a lot of things. You know, my. In my family, we played board games all the time but got together and weren’t. There wasn’t such a meeting when I grew up, so that wasn’t an option. But getting together with friends outside the house, wearing, to the degree that people will let you wear what you want to wear, do what you want to do, and go where you want to go and think.

Start thinking freer. Because if you start thinking freer, if you start individualizing that free that, that, that freedom that will help you out of, you know, what you’re. What you’re referring to is financially stable slavery. Because you’ll think, why am I? Why do I want XYZ? Or why am I in all this debt and unable to pay it off? And by the way, the bank doesn’t want you to pay that debt off. They want to keep charging you 23% until you die and pay multiple times what you originally borrowed. That’s how they make; that’s how they make their money.

Cosmos  

Yes.

Stephan   

you know, and you think about it, I’m. I’m a. My own worst offender when it comes to going out for meals. Right? It’s easier for me and my wife to go out, you know, instead of cooking at home. And fortunately or unfortunately, I’m in a position where I can do that. But early on, we didn’t do that, you know, as much, and we cooked simply, and we made stuff at home. It was more fun because we were both involved in cooking and cleaning up, and we would have time to talk to each other a lot more, and it was better. And it’s great that we can do it either way now.

But I was struck this whole summer by Americans thinking that they’re so free, yet 90% of them, 80%, are just following the same old traditional way. They’re putting the same money into the 401. They’re counting on security, Social Security, the same way. Even politically, many people are depressed about the most recent elections, but the president, Congress, and the Senate control many things. They don’t control your daily life. 

They don’t control how much you’re spending. They don’t control how much gold and silver that you own. They don’t control your dependence on Social Security and traditional savings and 401ks. You’re in control of all those things and the things that make you happy that don’t necessarily cost a lot of money. You control those things, who your friends are, and who you influence. 

And who you’re listening to, how you’re absorbing that, thinking about it for yourself and thinking about, like, does that make sense? And does that make sense to me? And does it make sense from a true freedom standpoint? And the more that you can answer that for yourselves. 

You know, I sit down with all my clients, and the second thing we go into is, what are your goals? Because I can make great plans that reflect my goals with your money. But what will be much more important is if we hit your goals right. And I’m much more making, I’m much more now about making sure we’re hitting your goals and, you know, not my goals. And I had to hold myself back every once in a while. 

You should do this or that and realize I’m saying it from my standpoint. But maybe not. Maybe saving a little bit less and traveling more would be the best thing for that person. Or, or maybe, spending on something meaningful, you know, to them, would be more. Because the other, the other message I would say to people is that don’t, you know, when people retire, they think they’re going to be in perfect health and everything’s going to be great, and they will save up all this money, and then they can start to live when they’re 65 or when they’re 70. And it doesn’t work that way. It may work that way for the first few years. One of my good friends and financial gurus out there, who talks about retirement income all the time, is Tom Hagna. 

He also talks about how when people retire, they have their go-go years, slow-go years, and no-go years. When people plan for retirement, they’ll often think, well, I’ve got to have a hundred thousand a year with increases for the rest of my life. When I retire, when I finally retire at age 65, I’m going to do this, and this, and I’m going to travel, and I’m going to do this, and you know what happens? They get to age 65 and don’t do that because they’re afraid of running out of money. And then they end up leaving it to their kids. And their kids do all the stuff that they thought they were going to do, right? The kids will then take that money, travel, and do everything. 

And so, without getting too far along that line, there are the things that make you happy and bring joy to you and your life. Please don’t wait till you’re 65 to start doing them. That’s what I’m talking about. Personal freedom is to start exercising that personal freedom. Now, you don’t know what will happen when you’re 65. You may get to you, or you may get to 65 and have three or four years of being able to do whatever you want. 

And then, and then you or your spouse or both get sick. Right? You know, and then, and then you can’t. You may be forced later on to help care for family members, or you may have to take care of family members. Everybody’s situation is different. But don’t wait till 65 to do these things.

So a lot of times, you know, I’m. I’ll go the other way. I’ll say, you know what? I think you need to do that because that’s what makes you happy, you know, now. And that will improve your whole life and make all the other aspects, you know, better now. But at the same time, everything I said before still stands because there are many things you’re spending money on, wasting money on, or paying interest on that didn’t make you that happy. 

And I guess that’s kind of how I look at it. It’s kind of like there’s good debt and bad debt. There’s good spending and bad spending. Spending over the long term will make you happier and healthier, and you will have better friends, better parents, and whatever. And you should do those things.

Cosmos  

Well said, Steven. Like, yeah, I do hope that the audience takes that to heart, and they need to, they need to enjoy life, but they also have to know that there has to be a way to attain happiness that is more within. And they also have to be financially free because this is part of who they are.

Stephen, can you tell the audience more about your company, A Step Ahead Financial Inc., what it does, and what it’s about?

Stephan   

Yeah, we’re a small, boutique financial planning firm. We’re in Los Angeles but licensed in several other states, including Arizona and Alaska, Nevada, Florida, and a few others, because we have clients in them. We’ve got ourselves licensed and set up, and I have people nationwide who do similar work that I can refer to.

Most of our business now is based on referrals from clients. The other half is from new people hearing a podcast or, you know, a show like yours and want to take the next step. We have books. We’re very big on education. We’re not big on selling you. We’re not about selling you. I could be retired now, but I like what I do, and my clients appreciate it. 

And, so that’s the way we are. We’re very big on service, which is another thing. You know, don’t get me started on that. In terms of how most brokers will service you, unless you have millions and millions of dollars, they’ll talk to you. But if, you know, if you’ve got a million dollars, they could care less.

And the best way to reach us is to give you my 800 number, 800-245-4677 or 800-245-4677. And we keep things pretty straightforward. The other best way to connect with me is at my email, which is just my regular email, which is Steven Step S T E V E N M S E E p@uh, sbc global.net, and those are the two best ways of reaching me. We have other ways, but I don’t always check them daily.

Cosmos  

No. Stephen, thank you so much for telling me about your company. I like how people can contact you because somebody might need advice on taxes, savings, retirement, and everything else. And this is perfect.

 So I appreciate it. 

I’m so glad you took the time to come on this podcast and share your invaluable wisdom, especially on Back on Yourself, Infinite Banking Concept, and basic common sense about how to be financially free. I do hope that you take the time to come back later.

Stephan   

Yeah, no, I’d be happy to.  I think your show is wonderful as well. And this whole idea, I had never even thought about it in terms of the abolition of financial slavery. And as soon as I read that, I went. That’s what banking herself is all about: individually freeing yourself from financial slavery. Because if you have, if you, by the way, one other quick point if I might. If you have money saved up, whether in banking yourself or anything else, you can take advantage of opportunities when they pop up. And you never know when that’s going to happen. But if you have the savings, you can go, oh, I have the savings. I could do that. Now’s the time to do that. I’m getting this great deal. 

And my best example of that is I had a client. Those are people in Southern California and others in Big Bear. It’s a very popular winter ski area. And there are beautiful cabins up there, and it’s a beautiful, healthy place to go in winter and the summer. And I had a client who had a dream of buying a cabin up in Big Bear that was at one of his lifelong financial and retirement, you know, goals. And the opportunity came to buy one that he would have to fix up and do things with. 

But it was the perfect location. It was the perfect way to start. And there were several bidders. The price was low enough that there were several bidders for the. For the property. And he went directly to the owner and said, you know what? I have the money in cash in my bank, and you plan, and I can get it in a week, so I can make it an all-cash offer and have you get it in a week or so. And you don’t have to worry about whether somebody’s financing is going to come through or not. This was a long time ago, and the amount was not huge. It was $60,000. 

But he had enough saved up in other savings, his bank, and your plan. And so he could act on that and fulfill one of his lifelong goals. And he got the cabin because he could pay for it completely a week later. And the owner liked that. The owner didn’t want to wait around to see if other people could arrange the financing and if they could do that within 30 or 60 days. And he said, maybe that in two weeks. What did you prefer? And he got the deal, the cabinet, and he’s loved it ever since.

So, if he hadn’t had the 60,000 saved up, he wouldn’t have been able to do that, and he probably would not have gotten a cabin. So that’s the kind of thing—or even other investments. I know people; a friend of my daughter’s invested in Bitcoin a long time ago, and he’s so happy he did. And now he’s thinking about selling it because it’s such an astronomical, you know, price. 

And I don’t have an opinion on Bitcoin in one way or another. I don’t think it should be a big part of your financial solution, but if it’s 1 or 2 or 3% of your, you know, assets, especially where it’s grown, you know, that’s marvelous. It’s not going to change your whole financial outlook. But if he hadn’t had to have the money at the time and hadn’t had the savings at the time to buy his Bitcoin when he did, he wouldn’t be able to afford it now at the prices that it is. 

So he could make and not take advantage of it, but he realized there was some value there. As speculation, he bought some and is happy with it. 

But again, if he hadn’t had the savings and were looking at doing that versus paying off a credit card, he wouldn’t have had the freedom to do that. So being a good saver has a lot of benefits. One of them is that you’re in a position to take advantage of or hit financial milestones, you know, that you have things that are truly important to you and going to give you the most amount of happiness, the biggest bang for the buck because you have the money saved up versus the person who doesn’t.

Cosmos  

No, Steven. It’s well said. I would ask the audience to take this to heart because they must consider their financial freedom. But, yes, of course, the podcast is coming to a close, and the hours are coming across. 

So I do want to let my. I do want to. So, I appreciate you giving me all this wisdom. But I want to conclude this episode by letting my fellow extraordinary Americans know that, hey, look, there’s an extraordinary within every one of us. We must awaken it and unleash it. Until next time. Bye for now.

Stephan, Thank you. Bye.

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